I don't believe in making others feeling guilty on any level. Guilt is a destructive, long-lasting emotion that does nothing more than corrode the soul, and helps to provide bricks to the walls that keeps us from completely being ourselves to the ones we encounter, and even more so to the ones we love/care about. This last month I've come into countable situations where guilt from another was being thrusted upon the stability I have tried to erect over the last few months. Haha, I said erect. Anywho, without going into much depth with the specifics of what each situation entailed, I'd like to briefly dive into the question that I'm always left with after each of these "guilt-filled" exchanges...."What purpose does this all serve?"
If we are going to discuss guilt's end purpose, I think we should first get a gauge as to why situations come up where guilt becomes a logical emotional option to share. I suppose I will give an abstract example to illustrate the circumstances and positions and differences in perspectives.
Recently a past friend of mine decided that she needed me in her life again. Out of the blue, her blues within her "at that moment" experiences dictated that she needed a familiar, slightly predictable, and completely impressionable ear for venting session, physical companionship, and emotion validation. Though all of these things from my perspective were being freely offered, granted that I took a day to respond after being contacted, she decided that the offertory wasn't quite satisfactory in comparison to the great difficulty and amount of need she displayed having. So about thirty minutes after sending out my response and giving out my contact information (both in hindsight were bad ideas), I was called on my lack of concern and genuine sense of "I don't give a fuck." Needless to say, I was thrown off. As our pho-conversation progressed, she intermingled a wide range of heartaches she'd been experiencing with pointed comments of how I'm never there for her, and am just going through the "motions of friendship." "Going through the motions," I asked? "Yes," she responded curtly. Evidently her view of friendship was something reminiscent of indentured servitude.....or I what I initially thought at the time. With further evaluation though, I have come to the realization that her reaction isn't all that extreme (well maybe it was, but that's just me and my side). None-the-less, I felt a deep pain cause what she needed wasn't being met specifically in relationship to what I wasn't doing.
Whew! Now that that's done, let's look at this objectively.
A) She had shitty situations, that bore holes in her happiness. Those holes filled with the stresses she was feeling, which eventually brought her to a need to release. She didn't have (or perceived to not have) anyone to talk to about the shitty stuff, so I was contacted. When I failed to provide a proper emotional sedative, all the pain she experienced was then thrust forward to whomever was present....luckily it was me.
B)I had a feeling of needing to be an "all-in-one" solution for feelings/emotions/situations that I have no real bearing on. So as opposed to listening completely, I heard and tried to solve. When there was flack shown with my wording and availability, I not only continued to seek the guilt being dished out, but I ate it up willingly.
Obviously, neither A or B were healthy choices for either one of us, yet in still, they are more common than more of us would like to actually exist. So how does this cycle ever end?
A friend of mine showed me a couple lines that read,"You are alive; you aren't owed shit. So love people selflessly, give of yourself fully, work for life whole-heartily...and do it all without expectation." I think we are taught at a young age that we are owed things from others. Be it: money for work done, gratitude for gifts, respect for virtues and intellect, emotional response for physical acts, etc. At some point what we've learned that others "owe" us, or should "want to give" us isn't exactly what we get. At that point it's our choice to "give" to the other person our disappointment and disdain, or figure out how to communicate our disappointment while still maintaining responsibility for what we feel. Even more so, it's our choice to receive outside feelings of "not-good-enough" from those around us.
I hope that one day we all are magically able to find a balance between expectation and acceptance. Maybe it's far fetched, but if you were only there to make it better, I wouldn't have had to write this whole thing. Just fuckin with ya.
Peace y'all
