When I had reached my senior year of high school I decided that the girl I was dating and I were gonna spend the rest of our lives together. It was the sort of decision you make blindly and impulsively. I liken it to a clumsy, near-sighted idealist declare,"I will walk this tight-rope without my glasses, in the middle of a unlit circus tent." Sure it could happen, but, errr, are you fuckin' stupid man?! Anyway, of course our lives went their different paths in an abrupt and hard to manage reality jolt. The lightning strike brought on depression, insecurity, anger, confusion, but most of all, it made me to go a super-bionic level unwillingness to let go and move on.
After that personal soap-opera had had its last episode, it was quickly replaced by other, more involved, and equally as complex stories. They flashed in and out of my years like Polaroids; Each taken in my own sense of jaded perspectives, etched inside myopic frames, and developed using brisk shakes of emotion and stale currents of my past. Shit was mad smelly, but I just couldn't seem to man up and walk to the nearest shoe store to buy a new pair of kicks to proceed forward with.
After years of evaluating my decisions, past mistakes, progressive triumphs, I have come to many different senses of self-realization. With reference to not being able to let go of past or people, I see that I have difficulty cause of my 'savior complex' and fears of being abandoned. Even though, for the most part, no one involved with my life's pot-holes have intended to hurt out of malicious intent, we all participate in some form of ill feelings towards others.
According to Buddhist practice, there are three basic steps or stages in learning how to help others, or at the least when we can't help to not do them any harm. Them being:
1. Reduce attachment toward life.
2. Eliminate the desire and attachment to samsara
3. Eliminating self-cherishing
Now I see these ideals as a completely beneficial way of living when taking steps towards being enlightened and healthy. Learning how to let go of your past's evils woulda really saved Batman many an hour of therapy. But how does one actually get to a point where they can be like: Yes you fucking hurt me; No I don't hold anything against you; Yes I love you with all my heart; No I won't put myself in your harmful mentality; No I don't harbour any guilt, cause I never intended to hurt you, and only lived as best I could for the both of us; Yes we will move forward; Yes I will love you however it ends or progresses.
My guess is that we have to all fashion the views our personal dealings with our respective paths as one would do when visiting the MET; have an awe and appreciation for the history, love (or in the least accept) the art and the process that produced the history, leave knowing what it represented, then go for a pizza and beer, and plan out your next few moments of living. One day shit might be too difficult to flip back through, and some days you might not want to re-visit the photo album that you've put together over the years. Just remember that you are always able to close that album's cover and do something less depressing.......like going to find a lighter and burning that bitch up. J/K
Peace Y'all
Marsh
